I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
