We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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