Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
