please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the day after is always just damage control
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
