just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
