Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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