I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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