I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
3pm strippers are depressing
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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