How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
someone owes me an orgasm
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
