i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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