yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
