bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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