i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
