Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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