the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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