i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
