can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
