I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
