Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
