If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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