Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
