remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
