i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
