Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
