dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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