why didn't you poke me back
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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