I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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