I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
