i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
