I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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