I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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