Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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