I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
