forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
