I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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