its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I want her autograph on my taint
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
