Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize