dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
