You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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