I feel great
I just peed on a car
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
