This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
