I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Can I color on your dick again?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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