call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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