I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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