Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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