Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
