Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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