don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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