Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
