Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
