My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
