did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
