Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
