found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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