sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
