I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
