My entire life is one complicated drinking game
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
