Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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