I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
please don't ironically join a cult
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