it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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