I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
