She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
