all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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