I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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