hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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