so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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