Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
