WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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