The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
