I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
