I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
