Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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