Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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