I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
