I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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