grandma shit on top of the toilet
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize